


What to do when you're in love with a man

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Awkward Sexual Situations, Explicit Language, F/M, Fingerfucking, Hand Jobs, Look At Your Life Look At Your Choices, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Porn, Romance, Sex Addiction, Sexual Identity, Sexual Tension, Squirting, Therapy, Unresolved Sexual Tension, loving someone without being attracted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 11:50:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/621809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Die is addicted to sex. Kyo notices and steps in. They realize he is trying to replace affection with sex. Eventually Kyo realizes he cares about Die in a more than friendly sort of way, but he’s not attracted to him or men at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What to do when you're in love with a man

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Abby Marie Zillmer](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Abby+Marie+Zillmer).



> Prompt[s]: Yokan era with angst  
> Comments: for Abby Marie Zillmer from the direngrey_yaoi request thread.  
> Beta Readers: gothic_hime  
> Song[s]: "Rinkaku" and “Jesus Christ R’n R” by Dir en grey

Some things in life are clearer than others, and at times things can be nothing but muddled. Die’s life was no exception to that. At times he found himself wandering down the path he’d carved in life with little to no explanation as to why or where exactly he was truly headed. His personal life was equally as cloudy as his public career at times. The sudden success of becoming a well-known musician had gone straight to his ego and he was the first to readily admit that he was taking more than full advantage of what came with it.

Die found himself virtually every single night in another person’s bed. Another girl, another man. It really wasn’t something he was picky about, just so long as he had someone to pull against him at night, to satiate that need burning deep inside him, and then curl up with to sleep through the night. Most times he found his bed empty in the mornings and on the rare occasions he didn’t, he tended to make use of the remaining occupant in more ways than one.

The years passed him by, bringing a whole host of new partners as they drifted past. He supposed he was fortunate that he only held the stigma of being the band member that would sleep with anyone and not the career-ending stigma of being the drug addict. It was bad enough he loved alcohol to the point of near-addiction, he didn’t need to add drugs to it as well.

Tonight was no exception to the rule. He found himself four glasses of whiskey and two beers in the hole, a girl with vibrant pink hair pretty much wrapped around his little finger. The night slipped past and eventually he knew it was now or never, something he needed to either do or abandon. He chose the former and silently led her from the bar and out through the parking lot to where they’d parked the tour bus.

When he invited her inside, she readily agreed, not even once hesitating as she went up the steps with him. He wasted no time in showing her what he wanted, bringing her close and kissing her fiercely. Her response was almost equally as desperate and before Die knew it, she was on her knees in front of him, opening his pants. Once she had him free, he pushed her head forward, urging her to take him in her mouth, watching as she sucked greedily on his cock. It never ceased to amaze him how eager a girl would be for cock the first time they were given the opportunity to suck it. But it was funny how they never wanted to a second time.

But he enjoyed it for what it was, his head tilting back as he tried to sort out her name from the long list of others who’d hit on him tonight. Chelsea? Marissa? Maybe it was Beverly. And quite possibly it didn’t even matter. She wouldn’t be here long enough for it to come up, just so long as she didn’t ask him to say her name, he was fine.

One hand slid back to grip the counter, Die’s moans filling the small space as he started to thrust his hips, pushing his cock deeper into her waiting mouth. It seemed to take forever before his orgasm was welling up inside him and by then, she had tears in her eyes from holding her jaw open so long, though she was still going at it, intent on making it happen this way. He grabbed the back of her head and held her still, thrusting into her mouth quickly, finally stopping and letting out a loud groan as he spurted into her mouth. He let her take it all before pulling back and doing his pants up. A moment later, he was on his knees, bending her over the bus seat and pushing her skirt up and her panties down. Two fingers slid into her waiting heat, finding just the right spot to thrust against, his other hand slipping to her front, two fingers rubbing over her clit.

She writhed under him, crying out over and over until finally she came, a small spurt of translucent fluid hitting his hand as she began to spasm around him. He gave her a few more really good thrusts and then pulled his fingers out, wiping them quickly on some napkins that had been lying on the other seat. “Fuck me,” she pleaded with him, still gripping the seat roughly, her ass in the air.

It was all he needed. He pulled a condom from his pocket, ripped it open, and unfastened his pants, freeing his cock and sheathing it in the latex shield. Within a minute, he was inside her, pounding into her dripping went cunt for all he was worth. His fingers gripped the edge of the seat harshly, his jaw clenched to hold in the obnoxious sounds he wanted to make. Something caught his eye, a flash of color moving just beyond his field of vision. His eyes snapped up, finding Kyo standing there. The look on the vocalist’s face was almost sad, something close to pity in his eyes. Die’s thrusts faltered for a moment as he stared right up at the other, a feeling of what he’d have called dread slipping through his body.

A few seconds slipped by and then Die took up his pace again, eyes back on the girl beneath him, watching where his dick disappeared into her pussy as he fucked her. The sight took his mind off of Kyo’s presence and he grabbed her hips, holding her there and fucking her so hard she was being jarred into the seat in front of her, her breath huffing out with each thrust. When he felt his orgasm coming, he pulled out and yanked the condom off, sitting back on his heels and jacking off quickly until he came, spurting his cum out across the floor in front of himself.

With a groan, he sat back, watching as the girl got herself up, wiped herself, and then pulled her clothing back into place. He duplicated her efforts on himself and cleaned the floor up, tossing the tissues and condom away in the trash as he got up from the floor. He found her staring right at Kyo, who was still standing there, his arms crossed, and a none-too-pleased look on his face. “Er… I should go,” she offered.

Die simply nodded and watched as she left the bus, hearing the door click shut behind her. He looked up at Kyo, shaking his head. “You didn’t have to run her off if you wanted to watch, you know.” He moved to start washing up his hands in the sink.

“We need to talk. And I mean a serious talk, Die.”

The guitarist looked up at the other man, making a face at the mention of a serious talk. Not really something he wanted to do, but apparently something he had to. He dried his hands and then went to sit on the very seat he’d been fucking the girl against, crossing one leg over the other. “Shoot.”

Kyo moved to sit on the seat across from him, just sitting on the edge, his hands clasped between his knees and his gaze on the floor. “Die… first I want you to know I’m just worried about you, that’s the only reason I bring this up. I wouldn’t if you weren’t my friend, so please don’t be angry if at all possible.” He sighed and looked up at Die, his eyes full of sorrow. “I’ve been sort of keeping tabs on you for a few months now. The others mentioned they thought you might have a problem and I took it upon myself to try and prove them wrong. But… the thing is… I don’t think they’re wrong at all after watching you.”

Die made a face at him and snorted. “You’ve been watching me fuck?”

“Don’t be lewd. And no, not until tonight. That was sort of unavoidable with the route you were going. You’d have kept her in here all night and fallen asleep with her if I let you.”

Die shrugged a little, inclining his head in a manner that told he was willing to accept this as the truth. “Fair enough.”

Kyo shifted a little in his seat and pursed his lips. “You’ve had a different girl at every single stop we’ve made. And twice, I know you had two partners in one night.” He lifted his head again to study Die’s face. “There’s been a whole three nights of this tour that you haven’t had someone on your dick in some way. I’ve heard you, I’ve glimpsed you, and hell I’ve even walked in on you on accident a few times.” He sighed, shaking his head. “I know this is not a gentle way to break this to you, but then I’ve never been like that, have I?”

Die took a minute to digest what Kyo was telling him and finally replied. “Break what to me?”

“You’re addicted. It’s plain as day, Die. This is not normal sexual behavior. I don’t know if you’re trying to replace something with the sex or if you just desire it so damn much that you need to go after it like most people would after food or water… or hell, air. But I honest to god have seen you fuck more than I have seen you sleep or shower or even eat this tour. It just can’t be healthy, not in the least. My biggest issue isn’t even that though… it’s that I’m worried about what you’re trying to replace with it. The reason behind your actions, not really your actions.”

Die stiffened at the outright barrage of Kyo’s words, the digs and the personal attacks thrown into it. And the insinuation that he was replacing something was the worst of it, hands down. He stood up, fire burning in his eyes. “You’re just jealous because it’s not you I’m fucking!”

Kyo watching him, a neutral look on his face, blinking serenely up at him. “No, Daisuke, I do not want to fuck you. I wouldn’t go anywhere near that dick of yours, in fact. Tell me… how often do you get yourself tested? With that many partners you’re bound to get something at some point.”

“Fuck you!” Die was shaking with anger, his jaw clenched and his entire stance giving off the air of someone about to throw down and punch someone in the jaw.

“Maybe that was over the line, I’ll grant you that. But it’s an honest concern. If you’re not, you should be.” He sighed and crossed one leg over the other, leaning back in his seat. “Die, please understand this is me caring about you, not me hating you or trying to make you upset. I genuinely think you have a problem that needs to be addressed by a professional.” He looked him right in the eyes. “And it’s not just me that thinks so. I just get the dirty work of being the one to tell you.”

Die stood there, shaking in anger, his fists clenched by his sides, not a single word leaving his lips.

“You don’t have to talk to me.” Kyo stood up and placed a hand as soothingly as possible on Die’s shoulder. “But please talk with someone. For your own sake.” With that, he was gone, walking right out of the bus and out into the cold night air, leaving Die standing behind on the bus, his anger finally coming out as he threw something across the bus and let out a scream that Kyo didn’t miss, despite being fifty paces from the bus already.

The vocalist sighed, trudging on with his hands deep in his pockets, his thoughts mulling over Die’s situation and how he’d handled it. Maybe not the best way in the world, but then he’d never been good at being gentle or anything like that. He was always abrupt and very upfront about things and this had been no exception to that rule. 

He pulled out his phone and sent off a text to a few choice people. “It’s done, he knows. Now we see how it ends.” 

\-----------

The months fluttered by in something of a haze, the tour ending and recording beginning once again. Kyo kept his eye on Die despite not bringing up the sore subject again. He watched as the progression of men and women that the guitarist fucked grew in number and frequency. It was to the point Die was barely paying attention to anything else; fucking for the pure sake of fucking, and the few times he caught him at it, there was a dull sort of disinterest in the guitarist’s face as he fucked whoever it was he was with at the time.

And then, very abruptly, it all stopped. There were no more sexual encounters that Kyo could find. No more walking in on him in the bathroom or the office or the recording room. No more fucks in the venue backstage or on the bus. In fact, it was so incredibly abrupt that it actually worried Kyo more than the original problem ever had. But he still didn’t dare talk about it, not once. Rather, he went about it in a very different sort of manner. He took to inviting Die out to dinners, to coming over to play video games, or even just to discuss music. And the closer he twined himself into Die’s life, the more and more he realized that there was almost zero sexuality there any longer. It was as though Die had fucked himself out, like he had nothing left to give in that department.

The night finally came where he could stand his silence no longer. The attachment he felt to the other drove him to actually saying something about it, no matter the repercussions. He placed his last card on the table, causing Die to groan as Kyo had just won the entire pot at poker. The words slipped from his mouth as though they were a part of the casual conversation he’d been having just prior. “Do you even jerk off anymore?”

Die was very quiet, his head bowed and his eyes on the table in front of him, fingers turning white on the cards he’d been gathering up.

“Just yes or no. That’s all I’m asking.” Kyo’s voice was quiet now, acknowledging of the fact that this was not normal conversation.

“No.” Die tossed the cards back down on the table. “Isn’t this what you all wanted? Everything gone? No more sex for Die?” His eyes flicked up to meet Kyo’s, repressed anger boiling there.

Kyo leveled his gaze with Die’s own and shook his head. “No. We wanted you to be healthy. And healthy means having a good relationship with your own body, Die. Not stopping everything because you hate us for what we said.”

Die looked away and then shrugged. “You can’t have it both ways. It’s what I was or what I am. I don’t have an in-between.”

“Yes… you do. You had it when I first met you. What… three or four encounters a year, a good self-session at least every other night?”

Die stared at him, stunned. “Why the hell were you keeping tabs on my sex life back then?”

“Everyone knew. It’s not like you were quiet about it. You’d tell us each time you fucked someone and you forget… you roomed with us enough for us to know how often you jerked off.”

Die deflated a little bit and sighed. “Oh.”

Kyo reached across the table, taking Die’s hand in his own. “Did you do as I asked and see someone professionally?”

Slowly the guitarist shook his head. “No.”

Kyo squeezed the fingers under his own. “Please do. I think now more than ever, you’re ready for it.” He stood up and walked to the kitchen doorway, looking back over his shoulder. “If it makes any difference… I go to therapy. Not the same reasons, but I go every single week. You won’t be alone.” And with that, he was gone, the door shutting behind him a few seconds later.

\-----------

Die sat in the bleached white office, his gaze on the painting that stretched the span of the far wall, listening to the therapist talk. He’d finally taken Kyo’s advice and gone to both therapy and his doctor for an STD test. He’d come back clean on the test by some miracle and the therapy had been easier than that by leaps and bounds. He found himself in his fifth session, answering each question to the best of his ability, trying not to break down by simply staring at the painting as some form of comfort.

Finally, his gaze came back to the therapist and he gave her a slightly stunned look. Her last statement rang in his ears and he found himself worried by it more than anything. “I… what?”

“You’re replacing affection with sex.” She tilted her head a little at him and then moved forward on her chair. “Daisuke, tell me the last time you had a steady relationship in which the person stayed with you for several months, a relationship where you shared your time together doing things besides sex. Talking, games, movies, dinner.”

He stared at her for a long time and then shook his head. “I guess the closest would be Kyo the past few months. And we’re not in a relationship, he’s just been trying to help.”

“And he’s the one who suggested you come here, is he not?”

Die nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line, refusing to let anything else out.

“How does it differ from a standard romantic relationship?”

“It’s friendship.”

“That’s not what I asked. Please think about how the events the pair of you go through are different from a standard romantic relationship.”

Die huffed out a sigh and reached to pinch the bridge of his nose. “No romance.”

“How so?”

“We don’t hug, kiss, sit close to each other on the couch… fuck. Nothing like that. It’s completely platonic.”

“I see.” She sat back and made a note on the pad in front of her. “But besides that, you’ve been seeing a lot of one another, yes?”

“Yes.”

“In the past you have expressed that you are attracted to both men and women, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“Then, if I might make a suggestion… please speak with him and see what he regards your relationship to be. It certainly sounds more like he’s been courting you than being only a friend. I could be wrong at his intentions, but it seems to me that he cared enough to be the one to confront you to start with, and he’s stuck around through all the rough parts. It’s something someone who cared would do. And for your own sake, I’d see what his true intentions are.” She tapped the clipboard. “From what you’ve told me the past two sessions, you have some fairly deep feelings for him, intentional or not. And despite traditional treatment of trying to pull you completely away from any sort of situation that could lead toward sex, I believe that’s not at all what you need. You’re craving attention… affection… you want someone close to you at night when you sleep and you see sex as an avenue to achieve that. With your busy schedule I can see how you’ve fallen into the trap that you have, but there are ways around it, people who would understand and share the same issues. Think about it and have a good long talk with him and come back next week with some answers.”

Die stood up, feeling almost numb. Kyo was right about one thing. This woman was completely unorthodox. He’d never heard of a therapist telling their patient to go and seek a relationship with a particular person. But he had to admit, he wasn’t adverse to the suggestion. But he was fairly certain Kyo would be. He thanked her and left the office.

\-----------

Die took a few days to plan things out, finally settling on what he was going to do three days after his appointment. He invited Kyo to his place again, cooked him a very nice dinner, laid out their usual video games and put a DVD in the player for afterward. He’d push it a little further than usual and see where it went. If it went awry, then he’d just ask what he needed to know and move on from there. If not, all that much better.

Dinner went over as it usually did, Kyo thankful to have someone who could cook doing so for him, since he claimed he couldn’t even boil water correctly. From there, they moved to the couch for video games, Die sitting closer to Kyo than he usually would have, testing if the vocalist would move away. At long last, the level they’d been trying to beat was finished and the game saved for the night. Die flicked on the TV and the movie, asking Kyo to stick around and watch it with him. The vocalist complied and allowed Die to sit right next to him without any hint he wanted to move away from him at all.

Die made up reasons to get closer and closer to Kyo, shifting and getting up and accidentally sitting back down closer to him when he got up to get water or use the restroom. By the time the credits rolled, Die was sitting with his thigh pressed firmly against Kyo’s, his arm resting on the couch behind his head. He slid his arm down, resting it around Kyo’s shoulders as he moved closer, his eyes holding both fear and curiosity as he leaned in as though to kiss him.

“Um… Die?” Kyo stared up at him, one hand coming to gently rest on his chest, not pushing him away but not allowing him any closer either. 

In that moment, Die had his answer and he backed up, moving away, a deep blush on his cheeks. “I’m sorry. I…” he stood up and pushed a nervous hand through his hair. “You should go.”

Kyo didn’t budge, however, intent to stay where he was. “No… what was that all about?”

“I thought it was obvious I was trying to kiss you.”

“Yes… but the why is a completely different subject and the one I’m actually asking about.”

Die heaved out a frustrated sigh and turned away to go get the DVD out of the player, taking his time finding the case and putting it away. “Because… my therapist and I thought there might be something more between us than friendship, that’s why.”

Kyo made a soft sound, waiting on Die to be done putting the DVD away. When he had his attention again, he murmured, “What brought about this impression?”

Die shrugged, sitting down again, though on the far end of the couch, away from Kyo. “The way you act. You care about me more than my other friends. You’ve been hanging out with me all the time. Dinner, movies, games… the only part of a relationship that’s missing is the physical affection. I mean… I didn’t see it until she pointed it out, but… it really is more like dating than just… hanging out like friends would,” he finished lamely.

Kyo wet his lips a little and then sighed, standing up and moving to sit directly next to Die instead. He reached out and took the guitarist’s hands in his own, squeezing them gently. “Die… I don’t know how else to put this so I’ll just be as blunt as possible. Yes… I care about you more than any normal friend would, that part is undoubtedly true. I feel like we’ve grown closer over these past few months and I know my heart has even grown to care about you in a more than friendly fashion. But… and I hate to bring up hopes and then crush them… but Die… I’m not attracted to men. I’m completely and utterly straight.” He looked up into his eyes and gave him a sad sort of look. “I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around the concept of having a man’s dick anywhere near me.”

Die was quiet for a long time before he finally offered, “Have you tried? Thinking about it, I mean….”

Kyo let out a soft laugh. “It’s not like that, Die. I love the feeling of my dick sinking into the wet heat of a woman’s vagina. I barely tolerate another man’s cock being in the porn I watch. There’s no way I’d put myself in a situation to try and fantasize about some guy fucking me.”

“That’s not the way it has to be, you know. I mean… there’s other things.” Die looked almost desperate, his hands clutching onto Kyo’s. “If… if you really feel the way you say about me, then you’d try, right? I mean, I just… oh god, that came out wrong. What I mean is that you’d maybe at least take a few videos and watch them or… or a magazine… or even just a fantasy… and see if you could stay turned on.”

Kyo gave him a look that clearly said he didn’t want to do those things any more than Die wanted to be sitting here having this conversation.

“Fine. Okay… fine. I can deal with that. Could you deal with at least hugging me? Kissing me like we used to on stage? Lying beside me at night? It doesn’t have to be about sex. I’ll be fine, I’ve been fine all this time without the sex. I mean, I’ve had enough in my lifetime for several, right? So no more sex. Just the small stuff. Not even any touching in that sort of way, just slightly more than platonic touching. Hugs, cuddling.” He looked a little shocked to hear that come out of his own mouth, blinking in a stunned sort of way.

Kyo sighed. “Does it really mean that much to you? That you’d give up sex just to give it a try?”

“It does. I… look, I’ll be honest here. My therapist says I’ve been replacing affection with sex. I’ve been wanting and craving someone to be close to me and care about me and just be there for me, someone to wake up with in the morning. And I went too far into the sex aspect to try and get the other parts of it because I can’t hold a stable relationship. But… we’ve already been holding a stable relationship, right? All I ask is a little more, just a tiny bit.”

Kyo shifted closer, awkwardly reaching to pull Die into a hug, trying to do this like he would with a girl, holding him close and stroking his back. “I’ll be honest, Die… while I’m not big on the need for sex, I do desire it at times. And I’m not sure something lasting can be forged on a sexless relationship.”

Die clung to Kyo like he was his lifeline, his eyes squeezed shut as he listened to him speak. “I… I can deal with it. You can find someone when you need it. Just… don’t tell me about it.”

Kyo pulled back and gave Die a shocked look. “No.” He shook his head. “No. End of discussion. I will not be a cheating asshole. Period.”

Die looked him resolutely in the eyes. “It’s not cheating when I let you. It’s called an open relationship and people do it all the time.”

Kyo’s eyes clouded and he looked more than a little pissed off. “I’m not those people. And what… what would you do if I did? Would you do it as well?”

“No. I can do without, I told you that. I just… Kyo, please. I need you in my life.” For the first time in years, Die looked almost ready to break down and cry. He reached for him, his hand coming within an inch of reaching Kyo’s shirt. “Ple-ase.” His voice cracked sharply and he let out a dry little sob at the end, looking for all the world like someone had just told him someone close to him was dying.

Kyo stared at him and finally sighed, reaching to cup his cheek. “I can’t say no to you like this. I just can’t do it.” He ran his thumb over Die’s lower lip. “I will try this… on a few conditions. One, that neither of us finds anywhere else to satiate our needs, period. I am not that kind of man and I refuse to turn into one.” He pinned Die with a look and watched as the guitarist nodded. “Two, we take this slow. I need to get used to it and I don’t want to hurt you by pushing you away just because that part of me that says certain things shouldn’t be done with men is still around. I need time to adjust. So think early years of school type of slow, okay?” Die nodded. “And three, if this starts to go sour, we end it before it does. I will not have the band being torn apart because my dick can’t get used to the idea of a man being near it, okay?”

Die nodded again and then quietly offered, “Thank you… you have no idea how much this mean to me.”

\-----------

Kyo found that the more he exposed himself to certain aspects, the more and more he was willing to brave with Die. It had been months since they started semi-officially dating one another and a little over a month since Die had stopped going to therapy. He’d managed to develop a healthy relationship with himself once again and at times Kyo even found Die stealing a few private moments in various situations. Tonight was no exception. They’d had a long show and then an after-party at the venue itself. By the time everyone cleared out, Die and Kyo had been two of the last remaining people, Die making his way to take a shower before the taxi ride home, always having been one to at least rinse off before he left the venue.

Kyo had given him what he thought was sufficient time to be done with his shower and then followed, intent to take his own as well, feeling particularly grimy tonight. He’d stripped off in the locker area and laid out his new outfit, making his way to the large group shower and stepping inside the steamy alcove. He glanced up, about to say Die’s name when what he saw gave him reason for pause.

Die was leaning against the shower wall, his eyes closed, his hand tight around his cock as he almost frantically jerked himself off. His head was tilted back, a look of pure bliss on his face. Droplets of water coursed down his body, his wet hair slicked down over his shoulders, muscles straining as he worked himself.

Kyo leaned his hip against the side of the entryway, his head tilted as he watched Die’s performance. Over the months they’d been together, he’d managed to be okay with hugging and kissing Die and on some nights, even okay with sleeping in the bed beside him, finding the company of another warm body to be inviting. But he’d still never managed to get any further than that, the idea of a cock in his hand that wasn’t his own unappealing and the thought of Die’s dick pushing into his ass downright revolting. He still tended to watch straight porn for his alone time and thus far, Die had made no move on him at all in the sexual department, remaining true to his word.

But now that he stood here, watching his boyfriend pleasuring himself in the shower, he found himself ever so vaguely okay with the situation. It didn’t turn him on, not in the slightest, but he wasn’t revolted either. He watched with a sort of fascination as Die looked like he was getting nearer to his peak, his muscles straining, his balls tightening, and his breathing coming in soft gasps. He was close and it was achingly obvious. But at what seemed the last second, Die stopped, putting both his hands flat on the wall behind him and just standing there, a strained look on his face, a tiny whimper leaving his lips.

Kyo watched as Die’s shoulders slumped, as he huffed out a frustrated breath, and then moved under the shower, quickly rinsing the conditioner from his hair and then shutting off the water. He turned then and gasped sharply, seeing Kyo standing there, a dark flush covering his cheeks. “Oh god.” He looked truly terrified for a moment and then quickly tried to dart past Kyo. “Sorry, sorry, oh god, I’m sorry. Just… I’m sorry!”

Kyo reached out, his hand wrapping around Die’s arm and gently urging him back in front of him. For a moment, the guitarist looked rather like a child caught doing something utterly wrong, and the next moment he had his hands shoved down over himself, trying to hide his erection. “Please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to see this, I just… I’m sorry.”

“Hush… I’m not mad.” Kyo reached out and gently touched his cheek, giving him a sympathetic look. “Why didn’t you finish?”

Die gasped and then looked away. “Couldn’t.”

Kyo let out a little appraising hum and then gently steered Die back into the showers, turning on the one he’d been under and pressing him against the wall he’d been leaning against. “What about with me here? Could you now?”

Die stared at him, his lips parted as though he’d been about to say something, but didn’t. After a moment, he whispered out, “Maybe.”

“Then try.” Kyo gave it his best shot, ignoring Die’s cock and leaning in, starting to kiss him, even going so far as to progress them all the way to tongue.

Die finally reached down and grasped his cock, starting to stroke himself as he kissed Kyo back. Much to his surprise, Kyo didn’t move away, in fact, he deepened the kiss, one hand lightly running over his chest while Die worked himself. It wasn’t even a full two minutes before he came. The orgasm hit him hard, wrenching a cry from him as he stroked himself through the entirety of it.

When Kyo pulled back, Die stare down at his hand, almost shocked he’d just done this with Kyo right there. His eyes moved to Kyo’s body, to see if he’d responded to it at all. Kyo’s dick wasn’t hard, but he did take note that there was a good amount of his own cum over Kyo’s thigh. “Um…”

Kyo gave him an awkward sort of smile and stepped back, letting the water rinse Die’s offering from him. “It’s okay. Do you feel better now?”

“Yeah… thank you.” He shifted a little and then cleared his throat. “I’ll leave you be. I… um… see you tonight?”

Kyo nodded. “Of course. I’ll be over after I’m finished here.”

Die left without another word and Kyo watched him go, mixed feelings boiling inside him over what he’d just done with Die. He wasn’t disgusted, but he also wasn’t turned on. But for the life of him, he couldn’t imagine going further than that and in a way it made him sort of sad.

\-----------

Weeks passed them by, nothing more coming of what they’d done in the shower that night. That was, until Kyo couldn’t stand it any longer. He finally relented late one night, unable to sleep. He opened his laptop and settled down, first doing a few internet searches on men who were in love but not attracted. When that turned up no answers, just pages of other people’s angst, he finally gave up on that method. With a certain amount of resignation, he tried what Die had asked him to right up front, and searched for some gay porn.

He found a few men who could reasonably pass for Die if he squinted in the right way and went for it. He opened the video and sat there, watching as the guy opened his pants and started to jerk himself off. He didn’t feel disgust, but it didn’t make him aroused either. Eventually, the door opened and a second man came in, the first stopping and panicking rather like Die had when Kyo had walked in on him. He smirked a little, waiting to see what would happen. Just as he had, the man went to the first one, but he instead took over the job of jerking him off, kissing him and dry humping his leg as he crawled on the bed with him. The scene eventually progressed to both men being naked and the one who’d walked in began fucking the other rather vigorously. Kyo watched it all the way to the end, still feeling no disgust, but no arousal either.

He sighed, taking it one step further and opening his pants, watching the video a second time and taking his limp cock in hand, forcing the pleasure of being touched on himself, trying to get used to the idea of there being dick in front of him while he got off. The rest of his night was spent in such a manner and when he finally climaxed, it was a surprise. The video on his screen was one of an Asian man that looked quite similar to himself sucking an unknown man’s cock. The clip was quite short, but something about the curiosity, about the eagerness with which he went about it were the factors that gave Kyo the bit he needed to cum. He sat there, the video looping, his cock in hand, and his cum dripping from his fingers onto the floor between his legs.

Silently, he saved the video to his hard drive and went to clean up, feeling like he’d accomplished something at the very least.

\-----------

Kyo sat on the edge of the bed, turned away as Die dried off from his shower. He heard the usual scramble for underwear and he chanced a glance back over his shoulder. After a moment, he reached over and flicked off the light.

“Hey!” Die let out a little yelp and a heavy weight plunked on the bed, making the springs squeak. “What on earth, Kyo? I’m not done dressing!”

Kyo bowed his head and steadied his breath, finally making a decision. It had been too long for a relationship to go on without him at least giving it a real honest try. A whole year and he’d not once even touched Die in a truly intimate manner. He reached back as Die tried to flounder around for the light. “Stop… just get in bed… without your underwear.”

Die stopped moving around immediately and after a quiet moment in which he did and said nothing, he finally shifted to get under the covers. Once he was under, he murmured, “Okay….”

Kyo stood up and quietly removed his own sweat pants and tank top, slipping under the covers and settling down right up next to Die. He pressed close enough to let him know he was naked as well, feeling Die’s gasp more than hearing it. “Just… try this with me. And promise me if I have to stop, that we will.”

“I promise,” Die breathed out, one hand coming to curl around Kyo’s shoulders, holding him close in a manner that was much different from his usual embrace.

Kyo slid his hand over Die’s abdomen, feeling the slight bump there and smiling, knowing it meant Die had actually eaten dinner tonight. He moved a little closer and murmured softly, “Kiss me, Die.”

Die immediately did as he was asked, leaning in and pressing his lips to Kyo’s own, making a big deal of ensuring he kissed him in a very passionate sort of manner.

Kyo’s fingers slowly crept down to grasp Die’s cock, finding he was already mostly hard. A few strokes proved him quite aroused. His heart beat frantically in his chest as he pressed his groin closer to Die’s thigh, intentionally rubbing against him while he jerked him off.

Eventually, Die pulled back from the kiss, arching into the touch instead, letting out a quiet groan, followed by, “Ah… _yes_.”

Kyo paused and Die whined. “Please… oh god, please. I… I can… fast, just… please.”

Kyo let out a soft sound and shook his head. “No. I won’t rush this. Don’t worry, I’m not stopping. Just… give me a moment.”

Die let out a soft breath and stayed still, one hand clutching nervously at Kyo’s shoulder, not daring to move anywhere else.

Kyo took a deep breath and then slid down under the covers. He slowly stroked Die’s cock and then after a moment’s hesitation, he leaned in and sucked the tip. He didn’t immediately feel any real reaction to it at all, so he took a little more in, and then the whole of what he could fit into his mouth.

Die’s reaction, however was immediate and enthusiastic. One hand slid into Kyo’s hair, the other pushed the covers out of the way entirely. “Kyo,” he whispered out, his voice wavering, shock resounding clearly in it.

Kyo just grunted around him, flicking his eyes up to watch Die in the semi-darkness for a moment before concentrating on the job at hand, slowly moving his hand and his mouth up and down Die’s cock. It wasn’t altogether unpleasant, the taste was just salty and a little bit strange, and the feeling of it in his mouth wasn’t bad. Even with Die shifting under him, obviously unable to stay still, Kyo didn’t find he minded much. 

It really didn’t take long for Die to find his end and when he did, he virtually pried Kyo off him to grab his dick and jerk himself off the last little bit, cumming with a strangled cry all over his own belly. Kyo sat back, his pulse pounding through his veins. Slowly, he moved his hand down and with a certain amount of relief, he found his own dick hard. “Die?” he murmured. “I… touch me.”

Die immediately shifted their positions, gently pushing Kyo down on the bed and trailing his hand down to his cock, letting out a surprised gasp when he found him hard. “Kyo,” he whispered out, the shock clear in his voice. “Is this… because… you…?”

Kyo just pushed at Die’s hand a little. “Just… do this, please.” He needed to know he could get off from Die’s touch, needed to feel it and confirm the rest of this, that all his efforts in making himself okay with this had worked. He couldn’t say he was particularly attracted still, but he could get the act to at least induce an aroused response and that was all he could ask for with it after months of trying to condition himself into it.

Die immediately went after him, eager to get him off. Halfway through, Die abruptly took him in his mouth and began sucking him in a more enthusiastic manner than Kyo had ever had any girl go after him. He closed his eyes and lightly placed his hand on the back of Die’s head, just allowing himself to feel. After a moment or so, he reached over and turned on the light, watching Die as he sucked him, those lips around his cock, those bright eyes flicking up to watch him as he did his very best. His eyes moved down Die’s body, finding he was touching himself while he sucked him, obviously aroused once again, making it quite clear he definitely enjoyed what he was doing.

Kyo gently stroked over Die’s hair, his eyes moving back to Die’s mouth on his cock, letting the feeling of his mouth and tongue wash over him completely. When it came, it was with a quiet sigh of relief as he emptied himself into Die’s waiting mouth. The guitarist waited until he was done and then pulled back, sitting up just enough to really go after himself, arching forward as he came again with a cry of Kyo’s name, spurt after spurt of his jizz landing on the bed sheets between them.

Die settled back after a moment, panting for his breath, looking at Kyo in amazement. “I… you… we… thank you.”

Kyo gave him a little smile and then patted the bed. “Come here.”

“Shouldn’t I clean up?”

“No… I like you wearing it.” Kyo tugged him down and turned off the light, pulling the covers back up over them. “I worked so hard on this for you… you get to deal with my preference to have you stay with your cum on you.”

Die chuckled and he curled up around Kyo. “Mmm… that’s not a bad trade.”

**The End**


End file.
